I'm just a "13" waiting for my "15" asking for prayer...WHAT?

So I’m a 13…life could be worse, right. 

I mean my life is gonna get harder in order for it to get better and I just didn’t get to choose this.

Isn’t that how a lot of us look at life?

It feels safe when we can choose what needs to change if we are honest, right?

‘If I had a better or nicer house’ life would be better or easier and I’d be happy.  In order to get to a new house, you must fine-tune the one, you live in to sell.  That means going through every space, getting rid of things, packing things to make it look bigger and better to entice a buyer.  We clean up our mess going through layer after layer just to find a better house.

The list goes on – you get rid of old clothes so you can fill your closet back up with new clothes, 

ever bought a new or newer car or tried to sell one?  

How about food? 

Ever had to rid your kitchen of the “bad” foods to give you room for the new and improved healthy stuff…we treat our bodies the same; dieting, detoxing, fasting, working out, always pushing to lose our current bodies to gain a new and improved one.  

But these are things we get to choose; we can control. 

But for all of us there are always some things we don’t get to choose, we can’t control, we must handle them as they come.

After I posted my last up-date I had many of you whom I love and adore asking, “what can I do?” and “Why haven’t you told me?”  

I’m sorry, I never meant to keep anything from anyone.  We have just been handling things as they have come learning and adjusting at every corner.  I truly love the kind and loving gestures; it makes me feel less alone; it makes me feel loved and cared for and I need that so thank you. 

I don’t get to choose when my “new” and “improved” will come.  

There are more people dealing with auto immune diseases now then there’s ever been.  

And I just feel like I am just another one of them.

Mark and I thought it might help to just fill you in what my day to day looks like.  Most of you see me out and about and I probably look ok (I can’t wear make-up much because it makes my face itch – so most of the time I look pretty…well…undone😉).  

When you hear I’ve got a liver disease It’s hard to think of what my “sick” looks like.  

Sometimes you just look at me and know, but honestly, I still have more days that I’d consider as good days then not good days. 

My “good” week looks about the same because I know what I can handle.  Unfortunately, when I have a bad day it takes me an extra day or two to get back to good again. 

Monday’s you’ll find me up early, making breakfast for everyone then taking the kids to school.  I come back home and spend the day moving as fast as my body will take me.  Monday’s are usually my strongest day and so I do what comes best, like all moms, I push myself to get AS MUCH accomplished as possible so as the week moves on a have less I need to conquer. 😊 I never said I was smart.  So, on average you’ll find me moving laundry while working (like a REAL job for The Master’s Mark) All week long I schedule jobs, list things that need to be accomplished for our guys.  I pay business bills, handle month end stuff, or I’m ordering materials, helping our clients by putting together design plans (lately Mark ends up having to be my go between because I’ve had such a hard time getting over being sick), but I do a ton researching as well).  Most Mondays I can even go without a nap, and dinner is planned or started by lunch.  After school the kids help me move or finish up the laundry, we all help each other do homework, and they each get a chore or two.  I normally serve dinner.  But once I sit at the dinner table to eat, I am finished for the night and you’ll find me upstairs in my bed while the kids prep for tomorrow.  They come and tuck me in before they head to bed😉

This is what I call a very normal – even above average kind of day – Go me! 

BUT when I run hard on Monday, I struggle a bit on Tuesday.  I take the kids to school, come back home and nap because I need to.  When I’m done, I get up and finish things that need to be finished from Monday.  I move slower, but I still can move, and I pick the kids up from school and they help with dinner and then I’m in bed “resting” right after dinner (this is normal for me).

Now Wednesdays and Thursdays tend to be my kicker days.  I sleep in a little – Mark feeds the kids and takes them to school.  My body tends to hurt more on these mornings, but I get up and do my best to jump into CBS (I LOVE Community Bible Study).  Wednesday I go to the Leader’s meeting and Thursday I’m at CBS serving as best I can.  Most Wednesday and Thursday afternoons I either go home and nap or you might find me moving super slow through a store to grab more groceries hanging in until school pick up.  Sometimes I even nap in the school pick up line too, shhhhh😉 These are also the nights I can’t make dinner or eat at the table unless I’m able to nap.

This is when I get to pause and tell you all what a HUGE blessing it is to be living with my parents.  Not many adult families could be ok with this and trust me when I tell you that it can get stressful at times esp. knowing I can’t leave much.  

I feel like we are always in the way!  

Most people think we are crazy…because…well…we ARE.  

Honestly, I think we drive them more nuts then they drive us, but God knew that we would need the extra help and encouragement and it HAS been a much-needed blessing.  I help and cover things while mom is busy writing her teachings – God gives her such amazing insights – she teaches at CBS!  It just so happens that she handles the nights I seem to need it most.  I don’t feel too bad asking the kids to help her while I sneak off to the couch to nap so I can get through dinner together.

Fridays, oh I love to hate Fridays.  We try really hard to keep Fridays open without plans because you just never know what it will look like for me.  Mark takes the kids to school when he can and on those mornings, I wont lie to you like I’d like, but I don’t set an alarm.  I let my body wake up when it’s had it’s share of sleep.  If I were a college student this might be acceptable, but to me this is the part that I tell you that I HATE because most “sleep in Fridays” means that I do not budge until 10 or 11 a.m.  One would then think; wow, what a lazy mom or with that much sleep I should have no problem getting through the rest of the day, but by the time we get home from school pick up I know that I will barley get dinner done before my body will need to rest yet again.  This is mostly due to my legs swelling and just burning from the rest of the week.  I can’t even explain the pain.  The good news is that resting doesn’t always mean sleep so if we do anything Friday evening I either napped like crazy or we stay home to play a game or have a movie night while mom lays with her legs up, and if plans allow, we get REAL crazy and call a certain family that comes over at the drop of a hat – our kids LOVE when we get together, they play quietly together, which helps me feel relaxed.  They have become extended family to us, and we love them dearly.  I don’t mean to sound snobby about having this particular family over, but we have become so very close because this mom actually shares my same diagnosis!  She understands why I am always in my pj clothes or swollen and we have to just sit around – but there’s always laughing – hard core laughing that brings a little side pain, but it’s worth it😉. 

Saturdays and Sunday’s vary but you will find me asleep everywhere we go in the car or on the couch trying hard to get my body super charged to have a great Monday!

THIS has been my normal for a good year or more now, 

yes, it’s gotten harder these last 3-6 months and 

I’m probably needing to slow myself even more (having NO clue how or where to start once again), but this has been our family’s normal. 

The weeks that have not been good normally involve me doing too much, getting sick, or not sleeping a night or two because I’m up itching non-stop…this normally happens 1 week every month (not the itching, I itch all the time, but the itching SO bad that I can’t sleep part).  These weeks I work hard to sleep every second that I can even on my mega Monday’s to get my body back up and moving again.

I DO go out, but mostly it’s to buy our groceries, and when I can I use Amazon (who know I’d need them so much!).

When I can’t do laundry, Ella, Keegan, Mark and my wonderful mom all pitch in and everyone puts their own clothes away because it’s always been my thing sick or not😉 

Yep, I’m a mean mom!  

The kids have always been expected to help with cleaning things because I want them to understand what hard work looks like.  

So cleaning is also covered. 

I think if anyone could do anything for me it would be to give me energy to do something crazy like go on a date with the hubby or actually look nice before we go out…

sounds silly but if I spend my energy looking nice, 

I am normally wiped before we leave.  

I also do extra things here and there, but I have to plan and prepare and take the time afterwards to rest back up.  

Sometimes you might see me in a wheelchair, don’t be scared, it just means I am too tired to walk.  We adjust and do what we need to do.😉

I feel like a music box that just needs that little knob turned as tight

 as you can get it and it goes until it’s slowed to a stop…

then it needs to be wound up again. 

I don’t want to make anyone sad or feel bad and I sure will not say no if a meal shows up - it's hard to ask when you are celiac as well.

I just want to reassure you that when the need comes and trust me it IS coming, we will ask for help.  I love each one of you – especially if you’ve taken the time to read all this blabbering. 

I did made a list of things we will probably need help with as this time draws closer and if you are just bored or want to keep reading, by all means go for it😉

 I might need help transporting me to the hospital I guess I could always call an uber 😊 I think I will need to be going 2 or 3 times a week.

I might need help prepping dinners maybe doing several at a time to help me get through the week.

I may need help bringing kids home from school here and there (I know I have a handful of friends who’d be willing to help with that too)

We might even take help when we actually get to move Into our new home whenever it gets done (my bedroom is on the first floor – totally planned that with the transplant in mind). 

The time IS coming so just be ready.

I wanted to also say something about prayer to end this up.

  When I say ‘prayers is all we need’ I’m not saying that in a light or superficial manor.  

I’ve seen people healed after prayer, I KNOW the power of Jesus, and I have been prayed for in the midst of times that I know I would not have been able to walk through if the prayers weren’t there.  

I have felt the peace that is completely NOT understandable, that makes NO sense as to why I was able to feel peace except for “…because I was praying for you.”  

If you wake up and think of me or my family, I expect you to give me a few seconds of prayer.  God tells believers that it is our job to spur one another on in this life.  

We are to encourage each other, up lift each other.  

So please do that for me now.  

Prayer for anyone God places on your heart and mind is important.

God hears our prayers, they work, they protect, guide, encourage, uplift, build-up, refresh, awaken, make calm, give hope, and they also save.  

I know that your prayers carried me and my family through the scariest nights of our lives.  

I was able to feel Joy and Peace while being pushed into the ER, being poked more times than I thought possible, having my favorite jammies cut off so the nurses and docs could get more things going to save my life.  

I remember praying out loud in the midst of it all, being able to recite bible verses to ease my mind, some of which my nurses would say with me, ones I had written on my heart.  

During all the beeps all voices moving quickly around me while I lay on the bed, 

watching light after light pass by as they ran me into a procedure or a different room for a new test.  

Seeing my family and feeling more concerned about them and how they were handling things then what I was going through.  

The feelings and the calmness that I had wasn’t natural, it was in no way normal, it was God given because as soon as word went out, as soon as neighbors saw and gathered and friends were told, prayers started for little old me and God moved. 

Prayer IS the most important gift you can give me.  

Trust me, I will never go into anything without it.  

I know and expect God to show up big when we pray because I have seen Him do it time and time again throughout my entire life.  

He’s the God who moves to us when we call.  

So when I say please pray for us I truly mean it because our God is for us, and 

He works good for those of us who love Him, and big things happen when

 His people call upon His Mighty Name.

The. End. 

(I think I might have just dropped the mic😉)

...IF you made it to the end here, then know I dropped that mic for YOU!!

Sleepless Sin

I can’t sleep.  My mind wont stop.  These types of nights happen here and there for me and for you if you are honest – especially these days.  Nothing I’m walking through is really that different then what you are walking through.  Sometimes my mind just floods with thoughts, worries, and fears.  God says not to entertain any of these because worry is a sin, and fear is NOT from Him.  For the most part after they pop into my head, I call them out and force myself to think on higher things (things from above, heavenly, eternal things) We can’t stop thoughts from coming to us, but we can throw them out as soon as they enter.  The faster I do this the easier it becomes.  It was hard at first so I would say it out loud and physically go through the motions of pulling these thoughts from my mind and throwing them as hard as I could. 

But tonight, is one of those nights, one of those rare occasions where I was writing this in my head, editing repeatedly my frustrations.  I do entertain worry and fear at times.  This is a battle that is worth the fight.  Please do not think for one minute that I am prideful enough to think God needs me here on earth.  We tend to carry this entitled feeling around that we are owed something from the lives we live.  If we are good enough…(you fill in the blank) and I’m not just talking about Jesus believers; I’m talking about all people.  We expect good things to come when we live a good life.

Side note: remember there is nothing new under the sun – that’s straight from the mouth of King Solomon, the richest king ever to walk the earth, he admitted to giving into EVERY desire evil or good and living any and every kind of thing one could cram into a life with a never ending flow of money and resources.  He got bored with it all and said it was meaningless without God the Father!! 

So tonight, as I lay in bed thinking about this last bout – one that my body is still trying to fight – with this uti / bacterial infection; I lay wondering if this will be what takes me home.  Will this end up shutting my kidney’s down as well as my liver?  What if I need a basket of organs given to me and not just a new liver?!  How will Mark cope? What will become of our dreams and future and desires?  What about the kids, will they hate or blame God?  I can throw this out into the open and talk to my kids about the ‘what if’s’ hoping to prepare them for whatever, but I cannot guarantee their salvation, their forever only God can.  I MUST believe that my God is big enough to be there God.  My little faith must be enough to hold me up to make me brave so I can walk each and everyday without sitting on these thoughts and fears.  Satan wants me to crumble to turn my focus from God he doesn’t need me to walk away from God but he is out to pull my eye from Him – let’s admit it, it IS easier to think about ourselves and our circumstances then it is to give it over to God time after time, minute after minute. 

This is when knowledge isn’t enough; this is what faith looks like; to believe what the Bible says about God whether we see the proof or not.  God is loving, God’s ways are higher (or NOT the same as) mine, His plan IS perfect (it HAS to be), He is with me always, He even goes as far to tell us to be ready for tough times expecting them, at the same time He tells us to expect BIG things from Him; He is able, He has, He did, and He will…it’s nights like these that help me build spiritual muscles that will hold tight to Him as I go through whatever is next. 

I do not believe that God sits back and sends bad things to good people; we do…humans…sin…bad things happen naturally because we choose sin over God (think to Adam and Eve; if it wasn’t them it wouldn’t been someone else) – God is not surprised by any of it – He knows the outcome and He’s always with us as we go through them. 

I’m reminded of my last icu visit a year and a half ago; the one where my life was truly on the line; my family waited 3 days for me to be stable enough to move, but what strikes me interested was that as I lay in my bed it only felt like a few minutes or maybe hours.  I saw them sitting and waiting, but I never felt their stress or understood it; I was sheltered I was being protected and comforted.  I was in and out, but I was fully aware of where I was and how serious things were.  I felt full of peace, I knew Jesus was there with me.  I was focused on Him and when I was nothing else mattered because I knew, I felt that everything was covered; God had this.  It sounds a little crazy, and I’m not sure word can do how I felt justice, similarly to when we don’t know how to pray or what to pray Holy Spirit steps in and is our go between interpreting our feelings that don’t have word to our Father who created them.  I just knew if He was big enough to be my God then by all means He was big enough to walk Mark through whatever was to come, which also meant that He would be big enough to grow inside each one of my kids as they faced any and every challenge life will throw at them with or without me.  I NEVER want to forget that feeling, that knowledge that complete peace. 

Jesus taught me SO much from each hospital stay.  So when nights like tonight happen I can get up, put my thoughts on paper, let go and choose to think on things that are higher – things like; God is the one who determines the number of my days, He created me and He knows the hairs on my head no matter how thinned out they become.  I choose faith, fully knowing that I am NOT God, fully understanding that God does not need me to farther His kingdom here on earth; yet I am willing to do whatever it takes for as long as He gives me to praise His Holy Name and give Him glory for every tiny bit of my being. 

Can you…or a better question might be, Will you choose to?  It is so much easier to stand firm in the faith when you know you are not alone and I’m here to tell you; You are NOT alone.  And there nothing is new under the sun.  Good Night.

To God be the Glory. Amen.