Sleepless Sin

I can’t sleep.  My mind wont stop.  These types of nights happen here and there for me and for you if you are honest – especially these days.  Nothing I’m walking through is really that different then what you are walking through.  Sometimes my mind just floods with thoughts, worries, and fears.  God says not to entertain any of these because worry is a sin, and fear is NOT from Him.  For the most part after they pop into my head, I call them out and force myself to think on higher things (things from above, heavenly, eternal things) We can’t stop thoughts from coming to us, but we can throw them out as soon as they enter.  The faster I do this the easier it becomes.  It was hard at first so I would say it out loud and physically go through the motions of pulling these thoughts from my mind and throwing them as hard as I could. 

But tonight, is one of those nights, one of those rare occasions where I was writing this in my head, editing repeatedly my frustrations.  I do entertain worry and fear at times.  This is a battle that is worth the fight.  Please do not think for one minute that I am prideful enough to think God needs me here on earth.  We tend to carry this entitled feeling around that we are owed something from the lives we live.  If we are good enough…(you fill in the blank) and I’m not just talking about Jesus believers; I’m talking about all people.  We expect good things to come when we live a good life.

Side note: remember there is nothing new under the sun – that’s straight from the mouth of King Solomon, the richest king ever to walk the earth, he admitted to giving into EVERY desire evil or good and living any and every kind of thing one could cram into a life with a never ending flow of money and resources.  He got bored with it all and said it was meaningless without God the Father!! 

So tonight, as I lay in bed thinking about this last bout – one that my body is still trying to fight – with this uti / bacterial infection; I lay wondering if this will be what takes me home.  Will this end up shutting my kidney’s down as well as my liver?  What if I need a basket of organs given to me and not just a new liver?!  How will Mark cope? What will become of our dreams and future and desires?  What about the kids, will they hate or blame God?  I can throw this out into the open and talk to my kids about the ‘what if’s’ hoping to prepare them for whatever, but I cannot guarantee their salvation, their forever only God can.  I MUST believe that my God is big enough to be there God.  My little faith must be enough to hold me up to make me brave so I can walk each and everyday without sitting on these thoughts and fears.  Satan wants me to crumble to turn my focus from God he doesn’t need me to walk away from God but he is out to pull my eye from Him – let’s admit it, it IS easier to think about ourselves and our circumstances then it is to give it over to God time after time, minute after minute. 

This is when knowledge isn’t enough; this is what faith looks like; to believe what the Bible says about God whether we see the proof or not.  God is loving, God’s ways are higher (or NOT the same as) mine, His plan IS perfect (it HAS to be), He is with me always, He even goes as far to tell us to be ready for tough times expecting them, at the same time He tells us to expect BIG things from Him; He is able, He has, He did, and He will…it’s nights like these that help me build spiritual muscles that will hold tight to Him as I go through whatever is next. 

I do not believe that God sits back and sends bad things to good people; we do…humans…sin…bad things happen naturally because we choose sin over God (think to Adam and Eve; if it wasn’t them it wouldn’t been someone else) – God is not surprised by any of it – He knows the outcome and He’s always with us as we go through them. 

I’m reminded of my last icu visit a year and a half ago; the one where my life was truly on the line; my family waited 3 days for me to be stable enough to move, but what strikes me interested was that as I lay in my bed it only felt like a few minutes or maybe hours.  I saw them sitting and waiting, but I never felt their stress or understood it; I was sheltered I was being protected and comforted.  I was in and out, but I was fully aware of where I was and how serious things were.  I felt full of peace, I knew Jesus was there with me.  I was focused on Him and when I was nothing else mattered because I knew, I felt that everything was covered; God had this.  It sounds a little crazy, and I’m not sure word can do how I felt justice, similarly to when we don’t know how to pray or what to pray Holy Spirit steps in and is our go between interpreting our feelings that don’t have word to our Father who created them.  I just knew if He was big enough to be my God then by all means He was big enough to walk Mark through whatever was to come, which also meant that He would be big enough to grow inside each one of my kids as they faced any and every challenge life will throw at them with or without me.  I NEVER want to forget that feeling, that knowledge that complete peace. 

Jesus taught me SO much from each hospital stay.  So when nights like tonight happen I can get up, put my thoughts on paper, let go and choose to think on things that are higher – things like; God is the one who determines the number of my days, He created me and He knows the hairs on my head no matter how thinned out they become.  I choose faith, fully knowing that I am NOT God, fully understanding that God does not need me to farther His kingdom here on earth; yet I am willing to do whatever it takes for as long as He gives me to praise His Holy Name and give Him glory for every tiny bit of my being. 

Can you…or a better question might be, Will you choose to?  It is so much easier to stand firm in the faith when you know you are not alone and I’m here to tell you; You are NOT alone.  And there nothing is new under the sun.  Good Night.

To God be the Glory. Amen.