I think if I am going to take my time to tell you about our lives and how adventurous they are then I should also take this moment to tell you about the NOT-so good stuff as well. There’s been a battle out here. A battle that shouldn’t surprise you one bit. A battle for Mark and I and we’ve been having problems.
It’s not marital…if any it’s spiritual.
Not the ‘we don’t believe or we don’t follow God any more’ it’s been more of a loss of hope, a feeling of abandonment, an anger issue…with God. I’m totally a ‘victim’ who’s had the ‘BUT I deserve this NOW’ kind of problem. It’s not even really a God problem…it’s a Mark with Mark and Stacie with Stacie. If you are a believer in Christ then this is something I hope you understand…it might be something you are struggling with right now or have had a struggle with…if you’ve never had this problem then I must advise you to be realistic and take a DEEPER look into your life and how you’ve lived it.
This hasn’t been an overnight battle that I’m telling you about…this has festered within for a nice few months.
Let me see if I can explain a bit without typing a million pages.
I’ve been raised in Jesus. I know Him, I know what He desires, I’ve been taught how to love Him and in turn I grew to love Him and have my own personal faith in Him. I have the desire to follow Him, to make the best choice when it comes to life because of Him and who He is and who He calls us who love Him to be. I can’t speak personally for Mark and his upbringing but I can tell you that He too was brought up to know and love God. He and I are on the same page.
I’ve never questioned God, His word, or faith. I’m the type of person that hears it and just says, I’m not super smart…so I’m not about to come up with questions…I’ll go with it, it sounds right, feels right, and most of it make sense so…I believe. I was not given a scientific mind or a mind that desires hard proof which has been nice cause I get it without needed that. I am not a doubting Thomas. I don’t need to see to believe. But as I’ve grown older I’ve learned that there are many folks in the world that have to have the hard proof…that want to argue the silly details…that need to question to find their way. Do I understand it? Not really, but I give it respect. There always comes a point when we can’t see all and wherever you are when you’ve seen all that you can you still have to just jump. It always boils down to being left with the gap…do we just believe and jump into it…which is faith or do we let this stuff leave us behind? Even the strongest believers have to come to this. I jumped…I’ve got salvation…I believe…now what?
Ok…now back to our family.
This is nothing new...
you’ve ALL hear this or most of this but for the sake of this whole blog I want to include it.
Here we are…it was 3 years ago when we were told that Mark’s job would be taken…at some point…so we lived for a nice while after that with the daily fear of is today that day? Instead of picking a day that could be handled easiest, we were given the ‘Lay-off’ notice once I was a nice 5-6 months pregnant with Grissom.
Did we have faith?
Yea…believe it or not, but we still believed that God would take complete care of our needs which He did! Now during this time He also showed us that OUR needs weren’t really what He thought were our needs. So we quickly left these things behind…we didn’t go out to eat…ever…I stopped putting money into my favorite pastime; baking and cooking new and elaborate meals, we ate simply, repeating our cheapest possible meals. We stopped driving places, doing anything extra. God took us down to plain old living together and being a family. That’s all we had and we loved it. We ended up being home more and finding good friendships with our neighbors. I was sad to know that even a few of them were struggling in similar ways so I HAD to have faith for all of us…even when they had faith themselves.
One of my favorite memories that I will cling to for the rest of my life was walking with Dana…we were just talking about life and we were just walking around one of the last 2 empty lots that bordered the back our houses. I kid you not…we started finding cash…I’m not talking one dollar bills…I’m talking $50’s and $100’s…scattered and tucked into holes in the grass…we each had collected a nice few $100 each…what a HUGE blessing in the midst of what should have been complete despair! God Has provided…I’m not here to object to that. I can tell you time after time when these kinds of unexplained things happened during this time. (p.s. by the way don’t worry we asked everyone and even posted it on the neighborhood’s website about the lost $$…but no one claimed it…so we claimed it as a gift from God).
Mark was working…not for a company but working job after job after job from referrals and friends and family to help us make ends meet. We were able to pay bills every month…there was only 1 month we had to borrow $ for and we were able to pay that back a few weeks later. During this time off of steady pay and any kind of real health insurance we paid for Grissom’s birth, Ella’s broken hand, Keegan’s broken foot, and a few other extra things that came our way.
Again…we were provided for…we just had to let go of ALL kinds of any dessert.
It wasn’t easy but we learned, enjoyed what we could and moved on.
Mark was offered this job with CMS again through our church connection…it was all travel, but at this point we needed something steady and we felt God was pointing us in this direction (trust me when I tell you that this job was in the makings for almost a full year…but only (in my opinion) because I needed that long for God to prepare ME and my openness to it. Our plan from the beginning was for us to travel with Mark as he went to different places to do different jobs, but our plan was changed once again.
Mark had to go to a job on his own…a 3 month log project out in Vegas! So not only did I have to trust him to go out alone, but I had to trust that I could pull the weight that needed to be done at home without him…let me tell you I think I would have handled anywhere else better…but Vegas? I’d been there…and all I could imagine was prostitutes running after him from every direction until he gave in…yes laugh if you want but I’m just sharing with you MY real. I trust him…I DON’T trust the world!
Needless to say God took us through this to teach us as well. Mark had to learn to lead from a distance. He had to see what kind of a life he was going to lead without us all being there with him, I had to learn that I am stronger then I think…we lived…we made it through…and we feel like we came out stronger once again. Mark’s 3 month job turned into almost 5 months and it was almost harder to adjust to him being home then not. We were blessed with having him around until April…that’s when they told him his next job was going to be here in Monterey, California. He INSISTED that he was NOT going without us. I felt the same way but once again with many concerns.
So here we are…we’ve been out here for almost 6 months now…the job was also pushed back until Dec. I am with another child and life just seems to knock us down. At first, being out here was fabulous. Sure we missed home, Peanut, and our friends and family but we felt as if we were on vacation!
The apartment is small but people have lived this way for years.
About 2 months ago we found out that we were being ‘assessed’ for an audit from 2009 (the hardest year we ever lived through)…this is still in progress and it looks like we just made a silly mistake and will be fixed, but this has been and continues to be a huge stress upon our increasingly strained situation…now we are out here and this guy is needing things that are home…hmmmm…it’s NOT been easy!
But we are still living.
Mark’s also been struggling with the people (not the job so much as the people) he’s working for. They don’t seem to care at all about anyone who works for them. They seemed ok at first but there was lots said that has yet to be seen or that has changed. So Mark’s not super excited about the company he’s representing.
But again life goes on even when we feel yet another ‘hit’ that we are trying to move past.
After all he still HAS a job…and it’s one that IS paying our bills AND has allowed us some fun after the fact…so I’d have to say this has been a financial blessing just not without struggle.
It’s nice to have dessert here and there again.
I’m NOT going to dogg’n on baby #4 but the timing was also a slight bit of stress and shock.
Then I lost a friend to cancer?? Really!!
The why’s are creeping in…
not taking over but just hanging out.
Not to mention the fact that we JUST received papers being summoned to court.
Oh, did I forget to mention that in the midst of life Mark totaled his car this past January…it was considered a no fault everyone walked away but Mark’s car was a total lost and the couple’s truck didn’t look great either. Mark was not speeding it was a light issue…the man thought he had a green turn light and turned in front of Mark…Insurance covered life and we all moved on…at least we thought. Now we are being sued for all the pain and anguish Mark somehow caused this older couple because he didn’t stop in the middle of traffic to let them turn when they didn’t have the right away. Here’s the thing there are no witnesses. Its Mark’s word verses this old guy’s. Talk about aNOTHER blow below the belt!
This I have to say actually just blew the top off of the pot boiling inside. That’s it…I QUIT!
And therefore – hence the BATTLE!
Not to mention that fact that I am suppose to leave my husband out here in California JUST so I can be seen by my OB?? So I’m suppose to leave him out here while he’s struggling and take on our house and the kids all while being pregnant?
Really?!?!
NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No…we aren’t faced with the pain of losing one of our family; our struggles may cause others to laugh and say…whatever, its life…get over it. To you I say I’m SO sorry for all your struggles but this is MY blog…and YOU are reading about OUR life and OUR struggles…and this is OUR battle.
Everyone has their own. We all go through life getting knocked down time and time again.
I don’t need people telling us all the things we DO have going for us…or the things other people are struggling with, that doesn’t make me feel better…there’s pain everywhere and each of us has to figure out just how they are going to get through it…and this is just our person pain and struggle.
I really thought long and hard as to whether or not to share this…but if I am going to be real to people then I guess it was a no brainer. The last thing I want is for people to look at me and think we are SO wonderful…or SO perfect…or everything’s going SO great. At least we are together is all I can say…at least.
Now in the midst of struggle I know what to do…even when I can’t pray I know to ask those around me to. I have felt the prayers if you’ve been praying then please know that God’s talked. I want to share that next.
I started ‘coming’ across things. About 3 days later we read about how hard it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven (Mark 10:17-31) and at the end of this passage this is what it says (verse 29-31) “I tell you the truth,“ Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age …and in the age to come, eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and the last first.”
So…I realize that we are not missionaries out here to save California and we didn’t come out here to do that really, but we DID feel like God wanted us to do what we can to stay together as a family so in a way we did feel like we were leaving everything to come out here in obedience to Him. So these verses were and are a bit of comfort.
This verse told me personally that God knows where we are and how we feel…this will not be without…but it also means that it will be what HE deems a blessing not our plan necessarily.
Normally, I play music in our HUGE kitchen as I cook…this helps me forget where I’m at it also gives me some time to worship in the way that I LOVE – singing!! It also sometimes allows us to break out into dance party baby!! So unlike most evenings I was in the kitchen (I have to block off the entrance with the chairs so I can have a little time to myself) fixing dinner and playing my music. And even though I’d heard this song several times before and even sang most of the chorus it struck me as a song I was hearing for the first time because now my heart we needing it…this song made me stop in my tracks and as I stood there listening the tears just wouldn’t stop;
it was just as if I’d written it.
The gal singing is a lady who came out here and sang at Shoreline Comm. Church and I totally fell in love with her songs…I now have 2 of her CDs.
Her name is Elizabeth Hunnicutt. (Check her out…she’s really fabulous!)
But below I’ve added the lyrics to this song. Mark ‘heard’ it for the first time again too and felt the same way.
HERE I AM
By: Elizabeth Hunnicutt
From her album: On the Way
No, I don’t know it all
& I don’t have the strength
But here I am, here I am
& I don’t have the words
& I don’t have the wisdom
But here I am, here I am
I am weak
You are strong
I want to feel You move
Give everything to know You
Surrender all to be used
Here I am, here I am
Here I am, here I am
Well, I don’t have the faith
& I don’t have the answers
But here I am, here I am
All of these doubts
Raining over me
Bring Your light & shine
Until they’re gone, till they’re gone
So where are we at this point?
We are open…we ARE here and ready to give it up…mostly…but feeling like ‘my/OUR’ story is just that…it’s MINE and Mark’s…and our focus is wrong…our focus is on US all of a sudden and just cause it’s pouring cats and dogs in our life doesn’t give us the right to take our focus off of the truth and onto just US…not when you know life the way we do…so the issue now…how to put our life back into focus on the one who gives the hope and faith that we need to make this better.
Friday we noticed a little streak of sunshine and RAN out to Ft. Ord beach just to veg and let the kids take on the sand dunes. I’d talked to Carlie earlier and She’d challenged me to read a book with her…I also talked about this earlier.
I wanted to share with you the book.
It’s Bittersweet by Shawna Niequist. I recommend this book with ALL my heart.
She’s had a struggle in life but more than that she’s been stuck on her and her plan and wanting to fit God into her plan JUST like our struggling that I’m sharing with you now…just like most of us…I’m not finished with this book, but so far I’ve been just amazed at how honest she’s been with her struggle.
It gives me hope that our silly struggle will end.
We just have to give up…and look up starting fresh every day.
Meanwhile, I talked earlier about the Sunday’s sermon and how it truly change our hearts. When Jesus asked Peter if he loved him not once, not twice, but three times He was really forgiving Peter for each time that Peter denied Him. I found it very ironic and comforting that when Jesus first approached Peter to follow him it was while Peter was fishing, Jesus simply went up to him and said, “Follow me.” And Peter left everything and followed him…Peter the man who really knew Jesus screwed up and denied even knowing Jesus…he swore to it…how low did that cause him to feel? How helpless, hopeless, selfish did Peter feel? Jesus didn’t condemn him…he loved him anyway…Jesus went to where Peter was a loved him there and forgave him…even after forgiving Peter Jesus didn’t walk away and assume him useless to His kingdom…in fact He felt the complete opposite. He felt Peter worthy enough to go to him a 2nd time after the forgiveness in the same way he did the first time, while he was fishing and he simply stated once again, “Follow Me” as if Jesus were saying:
forgiven…now follow Me…AGAIN!
Which means that once we are saved we are saved…that happens 1 time…but sanctification is what we need to fill up on over and over again…in our case daily.
The definition of SANCTIFIED is to set apart for sacred use; consecrate…to free from sin or guilt…to make holy, purify, or to make productive of holiness or spiritual blessing.
Saved once…but sanctified daily.
When we accept Jesus we are His…we ARE human, we are NOT Him which means we cannot live this life without messing up, without losing hope, without falling faith…it’s where we go once we are losing that counts…we are to fill back up with the Holy Spirit…when the gas runs out you HAVE to fill it back up…and when you don’t that’s when we stay down.
Mark and I don’t mind telling you and admitting to you that we’ve totally let OUR life take over and we’ve been trying to give God the credit BUT fully excepting things to go the way WE plan and this is NOT how God works.
So we got on our knees and just asked Jesus to help us follow Him once again!
We are feeling a lot better about life even though none of it has changed or miraculously disappeared like we really wanted.
We know that we are here for Him who created us and our life will only be worth something when we keep Him at the front staying focused on what God wants for us.
This means that when I come home without Mark in October I will do my best starting new everyday to do what needs to be done even when it hurts every fiber of my being to not have my love with me…my best friend.
It also means that Mark is going to work and do his best no matter how bad he is treated and he will work for the glory of God and not to please any man.
This means that we will see where God takes him next and we WILL be open to doing whatever it takes to go where He will send us and to do our best once again to stay together as a family EVEN when it feels like the hardest thing we could ever do especially when our desire is to stay home.
We will do our best to sing even when the tears are there…WE will just be here for Him to change, direct, guide, and mold until His plans are finished…to God be the glory…trust me when I say this struggle WILL be back for us…God tells us that troubles WILL come so we need to be ready and prepared for the storms…so we will pray that God will keep our eyes open for the next time and instead of standing head on waiting for the wave to break us and knock us around and leave us broken and badly hurt and empty, we will do our best to let Him guide us…to fall into the waves and ride them to flow keeping our eyes on Him.
Please keep praying for us.
If you know and love Jesus then you will also know that living for Him is the hardest thing any human can take on and do…if you don’t know Him…please look and search...it’s worth every struggle. I hope by sharing our struggle it encourages you.
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